Short Story – Doctor, Doctor, Please

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‘Come in, come in. Please, take a seat.’

‘Thank you, Doctor. So, what’s the verdict?’

‘Good news, Mr Average. I’m delighted to say you have a clean bill of health. All that remains of this year’s medical is a teeny weeny questionnaire.’

Opening a file on his computer, the doctor clicked on page one of 325 and read out the first question.

‘OK, Mr Average, do you laugh?’

‘Er, yes, Doctor, but only on special occasions…’

The doctor fixed Mr Average with a penetrating gaze.

‘Oh, alright then. I do enjoy a good laugh.’

‘How many per week?’

‘Um, seven or eight, I’d say,’ replied Mr Average, crossing his fingers behind his back.

‘We need to cut that number in half,’ murmured the doctor. ‘You are aware of the Government guidelines, are you not, Mr Average? Five chuckles a week. Chuckles, that is, not belly-laughs. So, do you laugh every day, or save your – ahem – seven or eight for the weekend?’

‘Oh, I save them. You can’t beat a few laughs on a Saturday night.’

The doctor drew in a deep breath and jotted binge laugher on the notepad in front of him before scrolling down to question two.

‘When was the last time you enjoyed a good view?’

‘Never, Doctor. I don’t enjoy views. I know the risks…’

‘I see from my notes you regularly walk in the Peak District.’

‘I swear, Doctor, I keep my eyes closed the whole time.’

‘Did you ever enjoy views?’

‘I dabbled in my teens,’ replied Mr Average, hanging his head in shame. ‘But I gave up over twenty years ago, and haven’t so much as glanced at a view since.’

‘Excellent. The Nanny State’s strict controls on view enjoying are there for a reason – they’re highly addictive. Here, have a leaflet.’

The doctor dropped a hefty tome on Mr Average’s lap.

‘Sport,’ he said, glancing at question three. ‘Do you practise sport?’

‘Yes,’ replied Mr Average, ‘I play football a couple of times a week.’

‘And do you hate every minute?’

‘Absolutely,’ lied Mr Average, who was actually quite partial to a game of football.

‘I hope you’re telling me the truth, Mr Average. I see evidence of people enjoying sport everywhere I turn, especially at the weekend. Good for nothing low-lives having fun, cluttering up open spaces which are supposed to be empty. Do you realise, some talk about sport, and some,’ the doctor lowered his voice conspiratorially, ‘even watch it.’

‘Surely not!’ said Mr Average, tucking his newly-purchased ticket for the rugby the following Saturday deeper into his pocket.

Shuddering, the doctor moved on to question four.


Mr Average blanched.

‘Ah, I see that’s struck a chord, Mr Average,’ said the doctor, regarding his patient through narrowed eyes.

‘Music, struck a chord, that’s a good one,’ said Mr Average, just catching himself before he smiled.

The doctor was furious.

‘Are you accusing me of making a joke? Joking is a filthy habit. Filthy!’

‘Sorry, Doctor, no offence meant. I didn’t think.’

‘Well, that’s something, I suppose. There’s far too much thinking going in in this hedonistic world. Now,’ he continued, steepling his fingers under his chin, ‘music. Why did that make you react so?’

Mr Average looked at his shoes.

‘Come now, Mr Average. Trust me, I’m a doctor.’

‘I sang a song last week,’ replied Mr Average in a small voice. The doctor sat up straight, startled. He hadn’t been expecting that.

‘And it gets worse…’

‘How can it possibly get worse than singing a song?’

‘It was on the radio,’ whispered Mr Average.

‘The radio? You were listening to the radio? Oh, hold on, don’t tell me – you were…singing along.’

‘And tapping my feet.’

The doctor leant back in his chair, disgusted.

‘I hardly dare ask, but what was the song called?’

Mr Average shook his head, tears in his eyes.

‘Tell me!’ roared the doctor.

‘“Papa Don’t Preach”.’

For a moment, Mr Average was worried the doctor was going to collapse. Gasping for breath, one hand clutching his throat, he stood unsteadily and towered over Mr Average, glowering down at his patient.

‘You sang and tapped your feet to a popular song. A popular song! Get out, and never return. I don’t have the time for a hopeless addict like you.’

Mr Average leapt out of his chair and hurried from the room, the doctor’s contempt following him all the way home.


That evening, the doctor returned to the house he hated and refused to kiss his wife, satisfied that they made each other respectably unhappy.

‘Turn on the television,’ he said, throwing caution to the wind. As her eyebrows shot up in surprise, he added, ‘It’s these wretched patients of mine. They’re driving me to sitcoms.’

Not wanting to bear witness to her husband’s demise, the doctor’s wife made for the kitchen, intending to force herself to eat a portion of the inedible offal stew she’d made earlier. However, as the signature tune of ’Allo ’Allo burst from the television’s speakers, she was unable to resist a parting shot.

‘You’re a doctor, you imbecile,’ she hissed. ‘You know what watching light entertainment will lead to.’

The doctor’s wife was gratified to see an expression of dawning horror on her husband’s face.

‘Yes,’ she concluded smugly, ‘reality TV!’


There could only be one song to follow this little swipe at the nanny state – the great UFO with ‘Doctor Doctor’. Feel free to sing along, and even tap your feet if you like. I won’t tell…


The Monday (Tuesday) Moan – The Nanny State.

Yes, I know, I know. As the more observant among you will have noticed it is, in fact, Tuesday today, and the Monday Moan is late. The simple reason for this is that I was in an unusually good mood yesterday for a Monday, and (gasp!) couldn’t think of anything about which to moan. Really, it’s true. A whole Monday without one single grumble…

Well, that’s not strictly true, but by the time a grumble wormed its way into my head I was far too tired and full of dinner to start blogging. Therefore, for one week only, welcome to the Tuesday Moan; and the subject is: The Nanny State.

It was an advert which triggered this week’s moan; nothing new there, as adverts have a tendency to make me grumpy. However this particular moan is in danger of turning drunk[1]into a full blown rant, as I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE the preachy, self-righteous ‘Let us tell you how to live your life’ brigade. I am an adult, and have been for more years than I care to mention, so I think I am qualified to decide what I do, even if it does include getting falling down drunk every so often. Of course if my actions impacted on other people then the authorities would have every right to intervene, but my actions only impact upon myself, as I lay in bed the day after getting falling down drunk, nursing the mother of all hangovers and grimly muttering ‘Never again.’

k9707260[1]The advert I mentioned earlier was yet another anti-smoking advert. I don’t smoke, and I understand the benefits of not smoking, so why would an anti-smoking advert infuriate me so much? Well, this particular anti-smoking advert wasn’t aimed at smokers. Now the target of the anti-smoking lobby is the friends of smokers. Apparently, according to this insufferably smug advert, a real friend wouldn’t let their friends smoke.

Excuse me? Self-righteous preachy type, are you telling me that I am a bad friend because some of my friends smoke? On second thoughts don’t answer that, otherwise this post may well degenerate into a stream of expletives.

Here’s an idea back at you, self-righteous preachy type: how about a true friend respects people’s rights to make their own decisions? If my smoker friends want to give up, they will give up in their own good time. They’re all intelligent adults; they all know the risks. Where do you think our friendship would end up if I suddenly started chucking their cigarettes in the bin and wagging my finger in their faces?

Yes, that’s right. A true EX-friend will be the one who saw fit to tell their friends what they should and shouldn’t do.

OK, rant over; breathing and blood pressure back to normal; and relax.

What shall I moan about next Monday? Tardy bloggers perhaps?

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